Ironic Batterie High School AU Fanfic
by TMMMm
Summary: With a title like that, you can't possibly go wrong! Parody of OFF High School Alternate Universes. Contains a healthy dose of irony. Third person, Zacharie POV. One-Shot. Trigger Warnings include [OoC Characters], [Extreme Awkwardness], and [Trigger warnings].


**A\N: Yeah, this is meant to be read ironically. It sure was written ironically. It's a parody - of other OFF fanfics. If you feel I was targeting yours specifically, I wasn't. It's all in good fun.**

 **Trigger Warnings include [OoC Characters], [Extreme Awkwardness], and [Trigger warnings].**

* * *

Zacharie was a new student at RPG_ High School. He had just moved from Canada, so he didn't know anyone in the area. He felt nervous, but also excited to meet new people. He prepared an outfit for his first day, as he read he should do that in an article. However, he was very shy, so he wore a mask, because surely that won't invite any unwanted attention.

He arrived at the school the next day. It was bustling, but all the students looked the same. Same build, same face; they even had the same hair! Was there some uniform he wasn't told about?

"Why does everyone look the same?"

"That's because we're all clones. I'm One, this is my best friend Two, and that guy over there is Jeff. I recommend you stay away; he's kind of a jerk."

"Yeah," said Two. "He beat me at the balloon game once."

The two of them continued towards the main entrance, leaving Zacharie behind. He didn't know where he was meant to be, so he went where everyone else went.

He opened the door, only to find there was no reception. All the rooms were identical, with identical purple lockers lining identical purple walls and identical purple tiles carpeting the floor. It was impossible to tell where you were or where you were going. No-one was around to help him. Suddenly, he fell mask-first on the floor.

"Sorry!" said Zacharie before he got up. When he did, he stared at the person who bumped into him. It wasn't any regular student; for one thing, it was a girl. She was about his height; not unusual, since he was quite short.

She righted herself. "I don't recognize you. Are you new?"

"I'm Zacharie, the new student necessary in every high school reimagining."

She giggled at his joke. "I'm Sugar. Are you lost?" He nodded. "I'll show you the way. I think we're in the same class."

"Thanks."

They walked into the classroom. All the seats were occupied except for two, so he sat down next to Sugar. As the teacher hadn't arrived yet, he technically wasn't late. Almost everybody chatted. No-one would mind if he talked to the mysterious girl.

"You don't look like everybody else. Why's that?"

"I'm not the only one. There are two other students who aren't clones." She looked around. "But it's hard to spot them."

"What are they like?"

"Very strange. One of them is a-"

Sugar was interrupted by the teacher's arrival. The teacher looked like an older version of the students, what with the shirt and the black tie and the bald head. The most important, and noticeable, difference was his size. He was _huge_ ; the students were skeletons compared to him.

"Good morning, class. Welcome, Zacharie."

"H-how did you know my name?"

"It was on the register."

"Oh."

"I'm Enoch, and I'm going to be your math teacher." He put his books on his desk. "Someone get him an exercise book."

Good to see he wasn't the type to make new students go up in front of the class and introduce themselves. Zacharie heard slow, deliberate shuffling from behind. A student handed him a green book. Instead of returning to his seat, he waited next to Zacharie's table. The student's eyes were bloodshot, and one of them was black. His skin was dreadfully pale, and he trembled like he was about to fall over…

Zacharie realized he had been staring at the poor fellow for at least a minute.

"Thank you!" he blurted out.

"hhhwelcome," said the student, before returning.

At the end of the lesson, Enoch took his equipment and left the classroom. The students erupted into chatter. The one in front of him turned around and asked, "Why do you wear a mask?"

"Why do you wear a tie?" retorted Zacharie.

"Everyone wears ties, but no-one wears masks. So why are you wearing one?"

"If he wants to wear a mask," said Sugar, "then let him."

"But nobody else is doing it!" said the student. "So why should he?"

"Nobody else wears a dress, and yet you're not bothering Vader about it."

"B-b-but…" The student slinked away, defeated.

"Who's Vader?" asked Zacharie.

"She's one of the not-clones I mentioned earlier."

"And the other one?"

"Some guy dressed like a baseball player. No idea why. I'm not friends with either of them."

"Oh." He made a mental note to become acquainted with the two, more out of curiosity than anything. As he thought this, the next lesson's teacher arrived. To Zacharie's surprise, Enoch returned.

"I thought we had Physics now."

"I'm also your Physics teacher."

"R-really?"

"Yes. And your geography teacher. And your English teacher. And your- I teach all the subjects."

"Then why did you leave the classroom?"

"Formalities' sake."

Enoch told the class to open their books and spent the next 10 minutes or so going on about magnetism. The topic was pretty easy, so his long-winded analogies and obscure biblical allusions were a bit of a waste.

"What's the name of the wire used in an electromagnet?" A few students raised their hands. "Hmm, how about… Batter, why don't you answer this question?"

A deep, yet quiet voice came from the back of the room. "Solenoid," it said confidently. It was barely audible, but everyone could hear it. Zacharie turned around. The speaker was a monochrome baseball player. He sat upright, more upright than the chair itself. His eyes were closed, and he drew his cap up. It was probably to make him more imposing, because they were indoors. The light wasn't even that bright; he had to squint to make out his expression. Zacharie could see flickers of boredom and anger through it, and some smug satisfaction at having gotten the answer right. The more he stared, the less sure he became.

"Zacharie! Pay attention!" whispered Sugar. "What are you even looking at?!"

"N-nothing." He faced forward. Enoch moved on from the theory and discussed the applications. Zacharie glanced at the clock.

"Looks like it's time for break," said Enoch. "Anything you didn't finish is homework. Class dismissed."

The class erupted into chatter again. Zacharie turned to where the curious baseball dude sat, but he already left.

"We have a 30 minute break now," said Sugar. "I'll go get my stuff, and we can meet outside!"

He nodded; this was his chance. He grabbed his bag and walked along the maze-like corridors of RPG_ . Once he stepped outside, he searched the main area for any capped students. Before he could make much progress, something from behind him whizzed by and sent him to the floor.

A myriad of indistinguishable voices surrounded him.

"Hhh…"

"Wha…? Are you okay?"

"Look at what you've done, Bismark!"

"H-how about we get him to the nurse's office?"

Zacharie woke up at the nurse's office. In front of him stood a skinny man with a prominent, beak-like nose.

"Finally; you've woken up," said the man.

Zacharie felt a dull, throbbing sensation in his head. "What happened?"

"Some guy ran past you and knocked you over. At least, that's what the Elsen who brought you here told me."

"Elsen?"

"That's my nickname for the students. They're clones of a guy named 'Elsen'. It kinda stuck."

Zacharie looked around the room. He assumed he'd be in a cramped, sterile office, but the room was huge. Half of it was covered in tables, and a quarter was filled with nothing but bookshelves.

"Where am I?"

"In the nurse's office. I'm the nurse. You can call me Japhet." Japhet turned to where Zacharie was looking and added, "This is also the cafeteria, and the library."

"Why are they all together like that?"

"I'm the nurse, the lunch server, and the librarian." He paused. "We're a bit understaffed. The higher ups couldn't find enough important characters."

"…Okay. How long was I out for?"

"Not too long. It's still break. I suggest you eat something, so you don't starve come midday. Do you have anything?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, and a word of warning. A bunch of Elsen were worried about you. I sent them outside to avoid a ruckus, but I suspect they're waiting for an ambush."

"Okay, thanks."

As per Japhet's warning, a crowd of Elsen had gathered round the exit. Before he could say anything, someone pulled him into a tight hug.

"Zacharie!" said Sugar. "You're alright!"

"Yes, yes I am." He broke free from her embrace. An Elsen stepped forward from the crowd. He looked a bit like the weird student from earlier, but something told him it was someone else.

"Hhh," he said in a higher pitched voice than usual. "I-I'm sorry for running into you."

The poor guy looked like he was on the brink of a panic attack. "Uh, you're forgiven, I guess."

"Hhh… thank you." He started to look a bit better. "I- I don't think I caught your name."

"It's Zacharie."

"I-I'm Bismark."

The Elsen crowd dispersed. Sugar waved him goodbye, before walking to class. Zacharie waved back as he stuffed some crackers into his face. He looked at the timetable. He had art next; he'd better get his stuff.

"Sorry I'm late! I fell and had to go to the nurse."

"It's fine," said Enoch. "Take a seat. We're doing self-portraits."

Zacharie grabbed a piece of paper. Enoch seemed to forget that he wore a mask. He wasn't going to complain; it definitely made his task easier.

As in the morning, all the seats were taken. Sugar sat next to some random Elsen. She shrugged, as if she didn't have much choice. The only available seat was next to the baseball dude. He took up a lot of space, like he wasn't expecting to share the table. Zacharie plopped himself beside him.

Seeing him up close was very different than staring from afar. He was tall, especially when compared to Zacharie's short stature. He possessed a wiry frame; he looked like the type you really wouldn't want to mess with. Underneath the shadow of his cap was a fierce, determined look. Zacharie wasn't exactly sure why, since all he was doing right now was scribbling on a piece of paper. Still, he inspired awe and fear into all who looked at him. Zacharie took his time summoning the courage to start a conversation.

"Hello. I'm Zacharie." He continued scribbling. "What's your name?"

"I'm the Batter." The Batter? Zacharie thought of him in his head as 'the baseball dude', but he didn't think he was that accurate.

"Can I see what you're drawing?"

The Batter didn't budge an inch. Zacharie leaned over to see the secret paper. The Batter had drawn a capped stick figure, presumably meant to him, striking at something with a bat. At least, Zacharie assumed it was striking; the stick figure was as far from anatomically correct as could be without being unrecognizable.

"Is that you practicing?"

"No. I'm not done yet." He added a bedsheet ghost, like the type you'd dress up as for Halloween.

"An exorcism?"

"Yeah, something like that."

Zacharie put his pencil to the paper. To draw the mask accurately, he'd have to take it off. He didn't want anyone seeing his face yet, especially not the Batter. So he spent the rest of the lesson drawing a square.

Enoch left the classroom. The students erupted into chatter once more. Staying quiet for an hour left everyone with a lot to talk about. Zacharie looked for his timetable, but couldn't find it in his bag.

"What do we have next?" asked Zacharie.

"History," said the Batter.

"Do you like history?"

"No."

"What's your favorite subject?"

"PE, but the teacher's a jerk."

"Oh, okay." The Batter wasn't making it easy with his brief answers, but something about him intrigued Zacharie.

After the longest history lesson in the history of mankind, Enoch dismissed the students for lunch. Zacharie went to the cafeteria/library/nurse's office. All the tables were now full of Elsen.

"Over here!" Sugar called out to him. She invited him to a table where she and another Elsen sat.

"Hello! This is Jeff. You might've heard of him," said Sugar.

"Hello Zacharie."

"He didn't have anybody to sit with, so I offered to join him."

Two students warned Zacharie to stay away, but this Jeff seemed nice enough.

"How was history?" asked Jeff.

"Fine, if _a little_ boring," said Zacharie.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course!"

"You had to sit next to the Batter. He's kind of spooky."

"Why would you say that?"

"Once." He looked around, to see if anyone was eavesdropping. "Once, he beat up a student. He gave him such serious injuries; we've never seen him again."

"R-really?"

"No! But he could if he wanted to."

"No need to scare him," said Sugar. "It's his first day." She turned to him. "Don't worry, Jeff's just kidding. At least, I hope he's kidding."

"I am."

"Good," said Zacharie. "…Why exactly does everyone avoid you like this?"

He paused for a bit, before sighing. "Last year, I ran a stall in the school fair. Game of Nim, I think. Some people tried to play, but they lost. They felt sad. Then they blamed me for making them sad. And now everyone thinks I'm a heartless bully."

They listened to the tale in silence. Zacharie wanted to express his sympathy, to say something to let Jeff know he wasn't alone. "That sucks."

"It does." He twiddled his thumbs. "Thanks for sitting with me. I appreciate it."

"Don't worry," said Sugar. "It's what I do."

* * *

The next day, Zacharie arrived at school early. There were already some students, presumably for morning clubs or something. He had nowhere to go, so he went to the main classroom. For the first time, he could sit wherever he wanted. He picked the table furthest from the front.

He wasn't alone for long. The Batter entered and walked to the table where he sat. He seemed disappointed. Zacharie wondered why, until he realized he sat at the table they shared yesterday. He stood up, but the Batter stopped him. He went to the table in front of him.

Zacharie took out his physics homework. The questions were repetitive and mindless. He turned to the capped male in front of him. He wore the same clothes as yesterday. He must have multiple copies of the same outfit. Did the Batter actually have casual wear? He could ask. It wasn't like he had anything better to do.

"Hey!" The Batter turned around. "Why are you wearing the same outfit as yesterday?"

He shrugged. "What are you doing?"

"Physics homework."

"It's due tomorrow."

"I know. I'm just bored." He nodded understandingly. "What do you do in your spare time?"

"I practice baseball."

"Do you play?"

"No. I just like the outfit."

"Real-" Zacharie noticed the twinkle in Batter's eyes. "You almost got me there. I, uh, play video games."

"Video games?"

"Yeah. Do you know what an 'RPG' is?"

Long, awkward pause. "Yes"

"I like those."

"I tried one once. It was boring."

"Eh, they can be. I enjoy the stories."

The Batter turned to what he was doing. "I also read comics."

"Oh, really? What series?"

"Panic in Ballville."

"Never heard of it. What's the premise?"

"It's about this boxer fighting against a megalomaniacal baseball player."

"Sounds cool."

"It is." The Batter resumed what he was doing, leaving Zacharie to his own devices. He essentially pretended to do his physics homework until the teacher arrived.

During the lunch break, he sat with Sugar again. He wasn't really paying attention. He couldn't help but think about his earlier conversation with the Batter.

"It's a bit too early to be staring into space, isn't it?" said Sugar.

"What?" Zacharie snapped out of his daydream. "Were you talking to me?"

"Glad to have you back."

"I love staring into space," said Jeff. "But I usually save it for evenings."

"…Odd. Anyway, we were just talking about extra-curricular activities. Jeff was thinking about joining some."

"Which ones are there?"

"There's the book club, run by Japhet, because by god, he doesn't do enough stuff. There's also the tango club, if you're into dancing. And… Oh! You should join the baking club! I'm sure you'll become Enoch's second favorite!"

"Second?"

"Well, I _am_ part of it. It's every Wednesday lunch. There aren't that many people."

"I see Vesper hanging around the room sometimes," said Jeff.

"Who's Vesper?" asked Zacharie.

"He's the guy that always looks a bit… off."

"Oh."

"You know him?"

"I only saw him once, but he gives me the creeps."

"He spends most of his time alone, though it's more out of choice than anything else."

"Anyway, the offer still stands!" said Sugar. "You can join us tomorrow lunch."

"Nah. I'm no good at baking."

* * *

The next lunch break, Sugar was off in her baking club as promised. Zacharie couldn't tell Jeff apart from two feet away, so he sat at some random table full of Elsen.

"What do you think of my new tie?"

"I-I don't know. It looks just like your old one."

"Ha ha. It was a joke. I didn't get a new tie."

"Hhh…that's funny."

Zacharie excused himself. He went to a distant table and sat down, before realizing someone was there before him. It was a girl without a face. She wore a white flowing dress, her stringy hair the same color. He was about to open his mouth, but she interrupted him.

"Sorry, but I need some time alone. I… just broke up with my boyfriend."

He stood up, and again searched for an empty table, before spotting the Batter.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" The Batter didn't respond. "Oh thank goodness you didn't kick me out like Vader."

"Vader kicked you out?"

"Yeah. She said something about breaking up and needing to recover."

He frowned, confused. "It's been an entire yearsince we broke up."

"You two dated?"

"Yes, but we had a fall out. It was a long time ago."

Zacharie looked at the Batter again. Of course. It made sense that he dated before. He'd be a chick magnet, if only there were more chicks to attract. There were probably even a few Elsen were pining for him. He was tall. He was toned. He was tan- actually, no; his skin was literally the color of printer paper, so he didn't have that going for him. But he definitely had a handsome face, with a strong jaw and a prominent nose. And right now, he was stuffing it with meat. There was a certain… efficiency to it. He ate quickly, but he didn't make a mess. His teeth tore and chewed through it, just fast enough that he swallowed before his hands brought another handful. Zacharie could watch this for hours.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I-I'm not staring." He glared at Zacharie. Zacharie glanced at his untouched meal. He was so enamored by the Batter's strange way of eating; he forgot how hungry he was. He picked at his sandwich. "So…what are you doing now that you've finished?"

"10 minutes. Then I'm going to practice."

"Oh. Are you part of the school team?"

"There is no school team."

"Why not?"

"Only two people are interested."

"Who's the other one?"

"Bismark. He's fast."

Zacharie chuckled. "I have firsthand experience with that."

"He asked me several weeks ago if he should try baseball."

"What did you say?"

"Yes. He's joined me the past few sessions."

"Oh. Can… can I watch you?"

The Batter considered for a bit. "Okay."

The three met behind the main school building. Zacharie ate his sandwich while the pair discussed technicalities he didn't understand. They moved on to test swings. Bismark picked up a mitt and the Batter picked up a bat.

"Are…are you ready?" said Bismark.

"Yes," said the Batter.

"Oka-"

"What the hell are you doing?!" said an authoritative voice.

"Uh oh. We've been found out!"

"What's going on?" asked Zacharie.

"There's no time to explain!" said the Batter. "Flee quickly!"

The three boys bolted as fast as they could. They didn't dare turn back or retrieve their equipment. After they were far enough, they stopped and took to panting. Some more than others.

"Who… was… that?" asked Zacharie.

"That… that was Dedan," replied Bismark.

"…Dedan?"

"He's the PE teacher. He's… not particularly nice."

"I don't like him," said the Batter.

"What about our equipment?" asked Bismark.

"We can collect it after school."

"Yeah, Dedan is probably watching the area."

After the last two lessons, Zacharie returned to the back of the school, only to find the Batter reclaiming his bag. Why exactly did he come? It wasn't like he owned anything here. Maybe he just wanted the Batter's company. But he couldn't have him think that; that would be too awkward.

"Do you need any help?" asked Zacharie.

"No, I'm fine," said the Batter. "You can go home."

"Okay! Just asking! Nothing wrong with that!" The Batter stood up and stared at Zacharie. He turned around to see what he was looking at, but the Batter explained.

"You're blocking the way."

"I am? Oh sorry!" Zacharie jumped over the back walls. He couldn't have possibly thought of a more embarrassing way of exiting the scene. At least the Batter wasn't staring at him anymore. Instead, someone else stared.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

It was Vesper. Only, he looked much better. Almost _normal_. He lost the eternally tired look, and took a more defensive stance. What could possibly be the cause of this change? He noticed Vesper had something on his hands. A white, powdery substance. It coated his clothes as well, and Vesper worriedly wiped away the evidence.

"What are _you_ doing?" asked Zacharie.

"I-it's not what it looks like!"

"What is it then?"

"I-it's just sugar!"

"…Sugar?"

"Y-yeah! Completely harmless!"

"I'm not sure I belie-"

"Why don't you try it?!"

Vesper sprinkled some of "it" on his hands. Zacharie had his reservations. He heard too many horror stories not to. A desperate smile − meant to reassure him − spread over Vesper's face. Despite the urge to flee, Zacharie licked his fingers.

"It… It _is_ sugar."

"See?! I'm not doing anything wrong, I promise!"

"Fine, I'll leave you alone." Zacharie walked home. So Vesper just had a sweet tooth. He was much more secretive about it than necessary, but at least he wasn't doing anything dangerous.

* * *

"Zacharie! Look!" He was still half asleep, but Sugar wanted to show him something. "I baked you a sugar-free cake!"

"…What?"

"It's just bread."

"Thanks?"

"We can eat it together at lunch. Speaking of which, what did you do last break?"

"I hung out with the Batter."

"Oh."

"He and Bismark tried to practice baseball, but we got caught by Dedan."

"What happened?"

"We ran away."

"Good call. Dedan's really mean."

"Why does everyone hate him so much?"

"…Just wait until the PE lesson."

They had PE at the end of the day, so he might as well wait. In the meantime, he had sugar-free cake to look forward to. When lunch break came, Zacharie rushed to the cafeteria/library/nurse's office. Despite his best efforts to get there as soon as possible, somebody stopped him.

"Uhm," started the Elsen blocking his way. "Zacharie? I'd like something from you."

"What is it? Please be quick."

"Uhm…." Zacharie huffed. "How do I put this?"

"What do you want?"

"I'd like permission to bully you."

"What?"

"I'd like, permission, to bully you."

" _Why_?"

"I bet my lunch money that if I were to bully you, the Batter would come and save you."

Zacharie sighed. "I haven't got time for this." Unfortunately, the Elsen didn't take the hint, and stayed firmly in place. He tried walking around him, but the student sidestepped and blocked his way again.

"Get out of my w-" The Elsen pinned him to the wall. Zacharie struggled to break free, but couldn't. The Elsen were already taller than him, and now it was apparent they were stronger too. The one 'bullying' him didn't make a move yet, but he wasn't going to release him either.

"Let me go!"

"No. Not until he comes here."

"I have no time for your stupid bet!"

The Elsen stared silently at him.

"I'm serious! I have a place to be!"

More silent staring.

"Please! Just let me g-"

The Elsen turned around. The Batter came, but he just silently stared at the unfolding scene. He stared at Zacharie, and then at the Elsen, and then at Zacharie again. Everyone stared silently at everyone else.

"Aren't you going to stop me?" asked the Elsen finally.

"No," replied the Batter. "This is clearly fake."

The Elsen let Zacharie fall to the floor, before resuming his staring. He kicked Zacharie and ran away.

The Batter helped him up. "You have a penchant for falling."

"Y-yeah." That was his third major fall this week, and he was not faring well. "Thanks for saving me there."

"He wasn't going to hurt you."

"What makes you say that?"

"I overheard your exchange."

"I can't believe the sorts of stuff people place bets over. Anyway, is there anything I can do?"

"…Don't worry about it." The Batter walked off, leaving Zacharie behind.

"Look, it's Zacharie," said Jeff.

"There you are! Why so late?" asked Sugar.

"I…" His cheeks went red. "I got bullied by an Elsen."

"Are you okay?"

"Who was it?" asked Jeff.

"I can never tell. Luckily the Batter was there."

"He saved you?"

"Technically speaking, he didn't. But he made him leave me alone."

"Oh." Sugar shrugged. "I was hoping to give you the first slice, but… eh?"

"I don't mind." She produced a metal tray, and proceeded to cut him a slice.

"What's that?" asked Jeff.

"It's sugar-free cake. Do you want some?"

"Sorry, but I'm on a diet."

"…You literally eat the same dish every day."

"I started early."

Zacharie couldn't help but laugh at Sugar's confused reaction. "Anyway, what do you think?"

"It's good," he said.

"It is!"

He looked to where the Batter sat. "Do you mind if I give a slice to someone?"

Sugar shook her head. "Hey, I made it for you. You can do whatever you want with it." He took a slice and walked to the distant table. The Batter sat alone, as usual, but today he was drinking from a coffee cup.

"I brought you some sugar-free cake."

"Thanks, but I don't eat cake." The Batter looked away guiltily. "I'm on a diet."

Zacharie tried his hardest to not sound disappointed. He just wanted to do something nice. "If you're on a diet, why are you drinking coffee?"

"It's sugar-free coffee." He gulped down some of the hot beverage. "Strong. Black. Decaffeinated." He swallowed the bitter drink. "I like the taste," he added as an afterthought. Zacharie returned to Sugar's table. If it weren't for the plate he was carrying, he'd be wringing his hands, or shaking a fist at the sky, or performing some other sign of anguish.

"He didn't like it?" asked Sugar as he sat down.

"Says he doesn't eat cake."

"Oh, that's unfortunate. You'll have to repay him some other way." Zacharie stopped. Sugar deduced his intentions with ease. "Come on. You're very obvious."

"What I don't understand," started Jeff, "is the coffee. Every Thursday, without fail, he comes in with this cup. I tried asking about it. Apparently, it's strong, black, decaffeinated coffee he bought from the local grocery store."

"He _claims_ he likes the taste," said Sugar with the air of a conspiracy theorist, "but I suspect it's to make him look cool."

"Looking cool by drinking hot beverages: what a foreign concept."

"You don't have to make me feel better," said Zacharie.

"Is it so wrong to try and cheer our friend up?"

"I wasn't trying to," admitted Jeff. "I really want to know what's up with the coffee."

After the lunch break, everyone lined up in the sports hall, waiting for Dedan to arrive. The Elsen tried their hardest not to show any sign of unease, for fear of being singled out. Zacharie noticed Sugar and Vader were in the same line.

"Why are you in the same class as the guys?"

"Dedan's decision. He says, 'I ain't making another class for _two_ students!'"

"That doesn't seem very fair."

"It isn't. But honestly, it's not worth the trouble of complainin-"

Dedan entered the hall, interrupting their chat. He was tall and dark, and he wore a beige longcoat with green trousers. He looked more like a military leader making a public appearance than an underpaid PE teacher working for a second-rate school. His eyes were a bit too far apart for a human's. But all that paled in comparison to the most prominent feature: his teeth. By god, his teeth. They must've taken more than half his face.

"Look at these pathetic weaklings." His voice was about as ugly as his appearance. It had a gruff, harsh quality to it. "You won't believe how grateful I am I only have you once a week." He paused, gauging everyone's reactions. Everybody was terrified, except the Batter, who was as blank as ever. "I don't how Enoch does it; I don't know how anybody does it! Hell! Even once a week is too much!" He paused again, probably for dramatic impact. "I specifically chose PE so I won't have to deal with you morons."

The class stood silent. There wasn't anything to say, or at least, anything to say that won't end with Dedan skinning the speaker alive.

"And now, as for what we're doing today-"

"Can we play baseball?" asked the Batter.

"No! We can't play baseball! You asked me last week. You ask me every week, and the answer is always the same. No, we won't play baseball; we'll never play baseball, so shut up!"

The Batter frowned.

"Stop with your sulking! And for goodness' sake, remove your hat. We're indoors!"

The Batter paused before removed his hat, revealing his bald head.

"Ouch!" whispered Sugar. "That must be humiliating."

"I don't think he deserved that," said Zacharie.

"You haven't put it away yet?!" said Dedan, still going on at the Batter. "If you're going to insist on moping, I'll have you run 5 laps!" The Batter perked up slightly. "Ah, crap. This guy actually _likes_ running. Go sit in that corner over there."

One of the Elsen stepped forward. "Sir, I don't think that was justifie-"

"You!" He pointed at the speaker. " _You_ go run 5 laps."

"But he was only-" started another Elsen.

"Go sit that _other_ corner!"

"That's not very reason-"

"Go run 5 laps!"

One Elsen, feeling clever, figured he could get out of doing any physical exercise. "Sir-"

"Also go run 5 laps!"

"Sir, too many people are out. We can't do anything."

"You! Sit in a corner! Oh god, I'm running out of corners! And as for the rest of you… There aren't enough people! Just go run 5 laps!"

The remaining Elsen shuffled off to the tracks. Zacharie glanced at the corner where the Batter was sat. He turned to Dedan; he was too red-faced to notice. He snuck off and sat next to the Batter.

"Hello," said Zacharie.

"What are you doing?" asked the Batter.

"To be honest, I don't know."

"You'll get in trouble."

"Judging by the state of affairs, I'd say everyone's in trouble. And besides, do you really think I can run 5 laps without falling on my face?"

"…Good point."

"Do you want to talk about something?"

"What?"

"Anything. What are your plans for the weekend, for instance?"

"Nothing special."

"Well, I just moved here, so I was thinking about looking around the town." He paused, hoping the Batter would get the hint.

"I know this place. They sell comics, imported cartoons, and video games. I'm stopping after school. You can join me if you want."

"I'd love to."

The Batter stayed silent and put on his cap again. Zacharie still couldn't believe he was bald. Not that it made him look less attractive; it actually added to the appeal somehow. The Batter didn't think of it like that, considering his sulking. Zacharie thought to tell him that, but decided against it.

At the end of the double lesson, Zacharie returned to his locker and stuffed his PE bag in. He didn't even stop to bid Sugar goodbye; instead, he rushed to meet the Batter at his locker.

"No running in the corridors," said Japhet. Zacharie stopped. Japhet was mopping the floor.

"Is there anything you _don't_ do?"

"I don't teach. I'm applying next year."

"That was a rhetorical question."

"And that was a rhetorical answer." Japhet tutted. "To be entirely honest, I only picked this job so I can avoid the headmaster after school."

"Why, is he mean?"

"No, not at all. He's actually a pretty chill guy. It's… it's his assistant."

"Assistant?"

"Assistant Headmaster Valerie." Japhet bit his lip, and turned away. "I don't know why, but something about him... He gives me the creeps."

"…Okay. Bye."

"Stay safe." Zacharie shook his head and walked the rest of the distance. The Batter was still packing his books.

"You didn't have to run."

"What gave it away?"

"You're red all over."

"Oh."

"And your locker is on the other side of the school."

"What can I say? I was excited to see you."

He slung his bag over his back. The two walked outside the school. A few of the Elsen outside pointed at them, but no-one said anything. It was quite funny, seeing the short, fairly small boy walking right next to the tall, muscular one. Zacharie had trouble keeping up with the Batter's unusually long strides. Still, they walked side by side.

"So," started Zacharie.

"So what?"

"What's your favorite color?"

"You're really hurting for conversation starters, aren't you?"

He licked his lips. "Maybe."

"I like white. Off-white." Zacharie snorted. The Batter cracked the smallest of smiles. It made a world of difference, since he usually held a vaguely disinterested expression. He should do it more often.

They arrived at the store front. The store was filled with people who obviously came more often than the Batter. Zacharie stared at a stranger covered head to toe in miniature figurines, but the Batter, used to the sights, went straight to the counter.

"I'd like this month's issues." He started speaking to the employee behind the counter. It was purely business talk. Zacharie turned his attention to the other stalls. He never fancied himself as a 'geek' per se, but they had everything: cards, plushies, collector's editions. Nothing really caught his interest.

"I'm done." The Batter returned with a box full of comics. "What do you think?"

"It's nice."

"I figured you'd like it, since you mentioned you play video games."

"Ah, thanks. But the truth is…" Zacharie started. He wasn't sure how he should put this. "I mainly play indie games. You know, the obscure ones you find in forum posts." The Batter shrugged. It wasn't all that different to the sugar-free cake business, but he handled it much better. Zacharie leaned over to see the box's contents. What he could make out, he couldn't recognize. "I've never heard of any of these."

"I also read independent."

"I hear they get a bad rap."

"Some are quite good. It's just a matter of finding them."

"I guess you're right." Zacharie paused. "So does this make us friends?"

"…Yes." Zacharie beamed. The Batter said they were friends! He almost wanted to throw his mask off, but the Batter already left. Zacharie walked home, with a smile that would attract even more attention than his mask. Every time it dipped, he'd remember why he smiled and smile again.

* * *

Zacharie woke up happy, because it was Friday. That meant he survived his first week. Despite his joy, he was exhausted. He could hardly keep his head off his desk for the first two lessons.

He felt a small rush of relief as Enoch dismissed the class for break, enough to ensure he could shuffle off to the cafeteria. He stumbled into the nearest empty table.

"Hey!" Zacharie opened his eyes. An angry-looking Sugar sat opposite him, with Jeff next to her. "Why did you leave me in the middle of PE class?!"

He cringed. It completely went over his head. "Am I in trouble?"

"With me, you are!"

"Sorry." He looked away guiltily. "I was with the Batter." The frown on Sugar's face disappeared, before being replaced with a smile.

"You sure do spend a lot of time with _the Batter_." She placed special emphasis on his name.

"…What are you getting at?"

" _Nothing_." The smile broke her face. "Just that you _might_ have a crush on him!"

"What?! N-no!"

"You're stuttering! The secret's already out!"

Zacharie put his face in his palms. "Okay. _Maybe._ "

Sugar roared in laughter. "Now there's only one thing left to do!"

"What?"

"You have to confess your love, silly!"

"But I'm not ready!"

"It's simple! You just walk within earshot, say 'I love you', and then he'll admit that he secretly finds you and your antics adorable, and that yes, he would like to pursue a relationship and… go on dates and… whatever it is people in love do."

"Uh…"

"Wait. You can't confess with your mask. It won't be right."

"Oh." He undid strings that held it in place. "I don't even remember why I wore it in the first place."

Jeff grabbed his face. "I thought your face would be all sweaty and gross from hugging that mask, but I guess I was wrong."

"Uh… thanks?" He broke free from his grasp.

"You're welcome."

"And now," said Sugar, "you wait until the time is right."

As it happened, the right time was after school. Zacharie waited outside the Batter's locker. When he closed the door, he jumped back at Zacharie's face.

"…Zacharie?"

"Yes. Uh, I have something to tell you."

"What is it?" He looked up to the Batter's face. He could see his eyelashes. Zacharie felt a lump forming on his throat. He wiped his forehead.

"Uh…"

"What is it?" he repeated. There wasn't a hint of malice in his voice. He simply wished to hear what he had to say.

"Uh… I know it's only been a week, and you've literally never seen my face before, but uh…I like you. Like, _like_ like you. And I was wondering if you felt the same way and… I'd like to ask. Uh... Would you like to date me?"

The Batter's face fell. He placed a hand on Zacharie's cheek. A long silence passed between the two. "Sorry. I don't feel that way about you."

Zacharie closed his eyes. Tears welled up behind them, but he put on the widest smile he could muster. "I…I understand."

"Good." The Batter looked around. "Enjoy your weekend," he added as he walked away.

Sugar came from behind the corner. She must've been watching them, but that didn't matter. "Aw! So that didn't go as planned."

"I don't get it!" Zacharie wailed. "This isn't what's supposed to happen in these types of stories."

Sugar patted him on the shoulder. "Don't cry! You'll… find someone else." He put his hands to his face. He really wished he had his mask right now. "How about we go someplace? We can get… ice cream or something. My treat."

He dried his tears. "You're such a great friend. What would I do without you?"

"Soon, you'll be wondering why you were even crying. Go get your stuff. I'll meet you there."

"O-okay." He walked to his locker. Sugar sighed, wondering exactly what happened.


End file.
